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Saturday, 29 October 2011

Dude, F1 is in town!! Feel aa gayi

Sports is purest form of love and the best thing that could have ever happened to you, is getting hooked on to a Sport, or Sports. Luckily, Indians are looking beyond Cricket and Sporting Culture is in its infancy.

With F1 happening today, we try to understand how well we really understand the Sport!

Formula 1 (my conversation with an "avid" F1 fan, his face painted red with a prancing horse on it and is all set to leave for Buddha Park Stadium)- 


Me- Dude, wassup?
Fan- Today's the Big Day man, Raceday. Indian Grand Prix is happening and I have a VIP Class Pass

Me- Awesome, which team do you support?
Fan- Of course, Ferrari! We rock the world

Me- So, who are the drivers in Ferrari?
Fan- Michael Schumacher and...... 
(My eyes pop out, looking at me he realizes and then blurts out) "Massa & Alonso"- like a school student who has memorized answers and has given wrong answer to the wrong question

Me- So, why Ferrari, why not Mclaren? Why not Force India
Fan-  Because..... Yaar.. they are faster... And Force India Indian hai yaar.. Mallya ki team hai.. Fraud aadmi hai woh
Me- But hey, don't you support RCB in IPL?

He tries to come up with something

Me- Ok Chuck it.. You think they'll win the Constructors?
Fan- Sorry, din't get you.. Win what?? This is Indian Grand Prix (G-r-a-a-n-d P-r-i-c-k-s) Right?

Me- How many teams are participating?
Fan- 9, 10, 11?- Mostly saare bekaar hai yaar.. Arre yaar.. don't be a Spolisport.. It's because of people like you that we don't do well in other Sports..

I grin

My take-
- Important to know the culture of any sport before you start following it
- If you don't feel the adrenalin and  desire for any team to win, sometime after starting to follow the sport, it is possibly not meant for you
- Don't follow herd mentality to support a team/player. Have your own opinion

It's great F1 is in India. But we need to be better follower of a Sport to enjoy the best of what they have to offer














Saturday, 17 September 2011

Anshan- 2015- Don't bother fasting... We have a bigger weapon!!

We are in 2015... 

A quick rewind..Right before 2012 elections, fasting was the most efficient mode of Campaigning. 150 of 500+ MPs and MLAs had fasted. If you were a politician and had not fasted, it was as if you dint bother wearing Khadi Clothes and were not serious about running the country. 

Back to 2015... 
There is a massive agitation against corruption. 4G Scam, Fodder Scam, Housing Scam and Defense Scam have all happened again. Massive Outrage. It is proven no Govt can do anything. But elections are due in 2016 and being a democracy, someone has to stand up! Lokpal 1 has failed and Lokpal 2 is being thought on. The man is Narendra Modi... who missed becoming a PM in 2012, by a whisker. What you will just read for next few minutes will blow your mind away...

Place- RAMLEELA GROUNDS, DELHI

Day 1- 
Narendra Modi has reached Ramleela Ground and announced a new "Peaceful" agitation. "NO SEX" till Lokpal 2 is passed. Brilliant Idea, mind you- Till how many days can a person fast? 20 days.. 25 days? But it is humanly possible to abstain for sex for much longer. Meaning longer hype, more madness and more media!!
He sits on the stage and hundreds of thousands of people, very much useless since Lokpal 1 fast, happily go and sit in the grounds. 

That evening- Laalu points out on a News channel "Nan Sense!! He is not even married... How can he even have sex in the 1st place?"
Modi replies, "How can a man enjoying Rabri for last 50 years think of running a country? Look at me, since last 60 years I have left everything for Gujarat.. err.. India. Lalu will die of diabetes, rather than serve the country. If he has any seriousness of serving the country, he will match up to me"

Day 2-
All Media Channels are excited and reporters get a semi-orgasm with the developments yesterday, ironical cos the story is more about, not getting them, than getting them. Finally, they have a Story. They make a dash to Lalu's Residence. Lalu leaves out of house and gets into his car. Media Cars follow Lalu in his car. He reaches Pragati Maidan. All arrangements are made. Lalu gets on the stage and says "After lots of Consultation with my wife Rabri I have decided I will go on the "NO SEX" activation. I shall not have sex till Modi does not end his. I am better, whatever Modi can do, Lalu can do better!!"

Now, we are talking. World's first "No Sex" protest happening in Delhi. Let us see who blinks first. 

Kapil Sibal visits both camps and carries pictures of Poonam Pandey to try and make the 2 men realize what they are missing. They are promised she will do, what she was supposed to do after World Cup 2011 win, in the privacy of respective rooms. But no, he fails. 

Day 3-
BREAKING NEWS-
It was observed in the comfort of his sleep last night, Modi's hands were constantly rubbing against the upper part of his Pyjama (read lower abdomen). India TV keeps playing this footage, circling the activity and Hot Spot on Modi's pyjama. Has Modi violated the spirit of this activation?

Meanwhile Lalu gets fired up. He says "I told you. This Gujarati is useless. Satisfying oneself with hand is not allowed. I can stay away from Rabri forever to serve my country. But for Modi, it is always 'Apna Haath Jagannath' although Jagannath Puri is itself closer to Bihar than Gujarat." By now India TV, Aaj Tak and NDTV India have collectively shown the footage of Modi's hands touching his pyjama 1 lac times.  Modi fires back "Pervert Lalu!! He has a one-track mind.. Can this guy think of anything else but sex? Cant it be a case of itching? What do I do?"

Unsurprisingly, Modi does to Itch Guard, what Munni did to Zandu Balm. Itch Guard sponsors the footage and sales increase by 300% in next month. And India turns into a place, where Sex would never be the same thing again. 

Day 4-
In last 3 days, there has not been a single incident of Rape in the Capital. Sex is tabooed, forget Rape. Women start venturing out at nights and are secretly thankful to Modi and Lalu. Now they can wander wherever they want- From Dhaula Kuan to Noida to Ghaziabad...

BREAKING NEWS-
Damp Spots are today seen on Lalu's dhoti.. TV editors magnify and circle the damp spot on dhoti and keep on flashing it on TV, this is huge. Lalu vehemently denies any such activity and attributes it on water leaking from roof. However, claims are found untrue. Modi slams Lalu as a man of fake words. Was it a nightfall? Where did the water come from?

High Level Inquiry is ordered and there is chaos everywhere. Toilets are fitted with CCTV, direct access of which lies to TV channels. MPs cry foul but eventually agree serving country is a big responsibility and this scrutiny would surely help. News channels promise to not share any Toilet footage, unless they find a strong evidence of any wrongdoing in the loo. India TV says- "Sirf paani ya vinaashkaari doodh?"

India debates, if Lalu has indeed broken the fast or not... 

NEWS HOUR- Arnab in Top Form

On the panel are Dr. Sharma, Sr. Sexologist, AIIMS, Mr. Ram Jeth Malani, Mr. Ravi Shankar Prasad, BJP Spokesperson and Mr. Abhishek Singhvi, Spokesperson, Congress. "How can they do this?" he demands. "How can 2 leaders battling on a National Issue find time for pleasure?" Turns to Dr. Sharma and asks "Is it natural for Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav to get a nightfall with no intention of doing so? Is it medically possible that this is an accident? India needs an Answer!!!"

Dr. Sharma replies "Arnab, this is a natural phenomenon and happens unknowingly in a state of excitement. Imagine you being in a News Room with Baba Ramdev, Anna Hazare and Kapil Sibal. Won't you feel something when you wake up the next morning?"  

Arnab realizes what this means and a thousand nightfalls he has had after heated exciting debates, that he used to discover the following morning. He understands everything and shuts up forever. 

Day 5-
Parliament- 
Meira Kumar says "Baith Jaaiye!! Baith Jaaiye" In an instant all MPs realize it is a different type of Baith Jaiye this time around, throw a quick glance at their Pyjamas and keep standing, silently. 

By now, whole of India is in a frenzy. Spare a thought for the men- Modi and Lalu. They are like prisoners in their own body. Not allowed to spare a humble moment with their own body. No women are allowed to enter Ramleela or Pragati. Experts have said that the very sight of women can ease some of the sexual desires in one's body. 

Vajpayee, Karunanidhi, Bal Thackeray and others approve of the agitation. They recall and can relate this to their own lives, where more than half their lives were spent without having Sex. 

Day 6
BREAKING NEWS
Parliament has said that they will consider the demands and will in fact, pass Lokpal 2
Celebration- Now comes the all important day of breaking the fast. 
Big Day for Condom companies, Viagra Medicines, Deodorant companies and many more. 

Lalu announces he will re-marry Rabri in a public ceremony, right there at the Pragati. A room has been allocated where the fast will be broken after the auspicious ceremony. There are back ups in place in case Rabri is found to be unfit. Breaking this auspicious fast with one's hands is not acceptable. 

It is the moment of reckining for Poonam Pandey, Rakhi Sawant, Payal Rohatgi among others. BJP President has announced the one helping Modi break the fast as the First Lady of India. 

What happens is left to your imagination... India lives to see yet another election.. 

Sunday, 28 August 2011

The Great Indian Education/KLPD Factory

Haha this should be a fun read- The great Indian Education Factory. If only had we learned to enjoy and appreciate what we do in the present. We have all been through this. Just that it is more fun reading it... Read On!!

At 12-
- Will crack Tenth, then crack IIT, then IIM and then life is set; Bahut Scope hai

At 15-
- Tenth Bakwaas hai... Will get good marks in 12th, then Medical or Engineering and then do Masters; Bahut Scope Hai

At 17-
- Marks se kya fark padta hai? Admission toh milne hi wala hai; Chaar Saal Engineering, phir MBA, Life Set Hai

At 21-
- Engineering toh mera interest tha hi nahi.. Bas ek saal aur deke, phir degree leke kuch kaam karunga, phir job mil jaayegi

At 22-
- Chaar saal gaand maraya.. Ab do saal job karunga exposure ke liye, experience loonga, CV pe achha lagega.  phir MBA karunga, phir job karunga.. Set hai.

After 1 month of job-
-Yaar, Engineer ki toh value hi nahi hai is duniya mein.. Kya gadhe jaise treat karte hai Manager log, MBA karunga, phir main Manager ban jaoonga

Starts studying for CAT-
- 99.9% pe bhi kuch nahi achhi college main nahi milne wala hai. kuch fayda nahi hai.. US mein bahut Scope hai.. Wahaan pe respect hai, Naukri hai, mast life hai. GMAT deta hoon

At 24, While pursuing MBA-
- 20 lakh kharcha karke yeh mujhe bolta hai Leadership ke baare mein. Bolta hai Salesmanship is a quality. Yeh toh pehle se pata tha.. Shit, cut gaya. Par kisi ko bolunga nahi.. izzat ka savaal hai

At 25, when he joins his first job showing off his awesome degrees he is proud of-
(Mind you, by now his counterpart who has no fancy degrees but perhaps knows what he wants in life, is atleast 3 years into work)
- First day in the office- starts throwing jargons, one after another. Boss gets fed up and says "Bhenchod, office ke bahar bech ke aa. Yahaan sher mat ban." But MBA din't teach him how to sell, they just made him solve 1000 case studies on what others did.

At 26,
- Main Business Karoonga!!!! Doosron ke liye kaam karna hi nahi hai.. Bas main abhi papers daal deta hoon

At 27,

- Main Business Karoonga!!!! Doosron ke liye kaam karna hi nahi hai.. Bas main abhi papers daal deta hoon


At 28,29

- Main Business Karoonga!!!! Doosron ke liye kaam karna hi nahi hai.. Bas main abhi papers daal deta hoon

At 30, after managing to get a wife and start a family
- Beta, tum hamaare jaise bahut padhna, achhe marks lana, MBA karna aur bas- life ban jayegi

BIG FACEPALM


Monday, 22 August 2011

Anna & Indians- Story of Pied Piper (Anna) and Confused Rats (Indians)

Pied Piper- A person whose aura and vibe makes you follow them, without questioning the logic. You just get mesmerized. Problem is, we have had many Pied Pipers and most of them have led us to the ditch. Will Anna be any different?

Here is the logical explanation, according to me, as to why we are in some real shit. Need to go back to pre-independence times and dig stuff from there-

1. Since around a few 500 years back, we have been a country obsessed with Power- We take glory in dividing society into tiers. Those at lower level are known to kiss the Asses of higher ups. And take pride in it.

2. During the British Raj- Many Indians joined British and fought against countrymen. Reason- "Might is Right". Result- People kissing Asses of Britishers, in fact most of them took pride in the fact that they were "distinguished" few who could speak to Goras and took pride in sucking up to them.

3. Post- Independence- What has changed? We are still obsessed with Goras, though not ruled by them; We still flaunt our contacts- "Do you know who I am? Jaanta nahi main kisko janta" hoon?"; We still have not learned to use our brains and intelligence independently. Still depend on "Herd Mentality"- I will do what others do.

4. What does this imply on our Democracy? "I will vote for that party, cos others are voting for it"; Whenever an elected leader comes to power, people treat them like they are God's gift to Mankind- They will be sucked up to and their Asses will be kissed; till there is a Strong Allegation or strong shift in Public Opinion. Then there is a new Ass to Kiss. How many asses have been kissed in last 60 years? We always like to "Watch and Follow" than "Wait, Think, Watch and Follow". Hence, the person whom we tend to follow in most cases goes unscrutinized and his Ass, is kissed.

5. In this case it is Anna- The PR Propaganda of the century- Din't we all know corruption exists? Din't we all know lakhs of crores have been lost due to corruption? Agreed, we needed a movement against Corruption. But where will it lead us? People argue Anna is 75 and has no reason to struggle so hard and is hence, a Nationalist. I argue- "Was he sleeping till he was 74?" Does anyone know consequences of Lokpal? With a weak PM and weak Govt, we need some asses to kiss, don't we? And of course the Herd Mentality- Lighting candles, marching, shouting, gathering is sexy right? Voting is not, right?

Fact is- We are obsessed with Super Powers; We are obsessed with Powerful People; till an extent that we almost invite them to exploit us; We are naive enough to believe that following Anna will solve our Problems. There was no Short Cut and there will never be!! Short Cuts only create Pied Pipers and you are reduced to hapless Rats..

Monday, 15 August 2011

Shubh Aarambh

Just a small disclaimer- "Every event mentioned in this and subsequent blogs is purely reflection of my thoughts and interpretations. Have consciously decided to stay away from any Personal and Professional talks. Depiction of people and situations is very accurate and I do intend to post real stories involving characters in my life. However, no names of people in my life will be revealed. I do not take responsibility for any possible comments I get."

I draw inspiration to write this from the place where I am. Waves sweeping the rocks underneath me. Some local kids playing football, seagulls flocking the ocean, it's about to rain, since a few hours. No tourist visible. Wind blowing into my face as I walk down this virgin beach. Not too difficult to figure out the traveler in me. I shall leave travel for subsequent editions.

Well of course, I start with the auspicious game. Cricket.. Rewind to April 2, 2011. Dhoni hit the 6 and then for one full night India was a place it never had been. Country plunged into its biggest ever party.. For once corruption, politics and other evils took a back seat. I have not seen happier news papers, news channels and people as a whole, as it was during then.

Lead up to the finale, people were " Bleeding Blue". Tell this term to anyone (who has seen Sanitary Napkin Ads) in any part of this world- women will be embarrassed and feel offended and men will find a sharpest weapon to hit you if you tell them to "Bleed Blue" A few hundred million rupees was enough to convince Indians that bleeding blue is indeed cool. Profile pictures, badges and what not turned blue overnight. Not to forget people in some cities were exposed to gruesome and atrocious Billboards featuring half naked Sreesanth shouting some weird stuff. Still we stood by all this madness and even got motivated by it. On April
2, finally the country had a Unified Blue Orgasm. In the end, communications and marketing were the winner, along with cricket. Marketing heads of some companies that bled blue would overnight achieve godliness and their agencies that created and bought media for bleed blue would have made enough money to negate a 100 unsuccessful campaigns.

Fast forward to Headingley in august 2011. India 3-0 down. The very guy who wore a bleed blue badge and had the happiest day of life on April 2, is now using the choiciest abuses against his team. Saale chutiye hai. Bhenchod ad mein kaam karna hi aata hai. Paise ke liye hi khelte hai. (I blog stuff we generally speak. Nothing is more saddist than use of star marks and 2 letters when both, reader and narrator know what they are talking about). The so-called communication expert in me tries to bring sense to the situation and think what really went wrong.

1. You just lost to a team that is very well prepared, raring to go and plays better than you when it matters. Is it not basic?

2. Imagine being out of your home for more than 300 days in a year and being asked to play double the cricket than most other nations do. Across time zones, climates and situations. One humiliating loss in a few years. Not suicidal right?

3. This one is interesting-
Here are a bunch of young guns. Forget the seniors for a bit. They have experienced everything a young man at 24 would ever dream of. They have played for India, won matches, earned money, scored over some of the prettiest lasses in the country and won a world cup that no on did for 28 years.
Now, I won't buy crap that every time you play for india you play for pride and blah blah. Play for 300 days a year and play for pride on 301st day. How much pride can a person digest? Not to forget, they represent a board that itself does not give shit about pride. (point 4 to elaborate this). The fact is, they are like hungry pythons, being asked to be fed more and more. They like the glamor, they like the attention and they like the money. The fact is, the brands, the board, the system and we the people have groomed them into these creatures by feeding more and more. They need motivation and need to be guarded fiercely against complacency. Suresh raina will not learn how to tackle a short ball, by making him play a thousand of them in the nets. Language he understands, somewhere inside, is the occasion. Although he too, might not admit it. He showed his class in the world cup semi final against Pakistan. Will he be as motivated to show the same display in front of old gentlemen occupying the front seat at Headingley? With no pretty girls to hook up with in the post match party? I doubt. The former is what he has groomed to handle. Not the latter. Whose fault is it?

4. The board- let me put it straight. The board does not understand cricket, does not want to. It creates heroes and destroys them. Players, coaches, selectors, support staff and ICC are all a part of the huge "Scapegoat System". Which board would have someone like Kapil Dev disrespected and out of system, despite earning the most coveted trophy through him? And pay a couple of crores to Shastris of the world, whose contribution to this country is well, questionable to say the least, to make them speak what it wants to show the world?

What if Dhoni's performance dips and we suffer a few more such defeats? Will they drop him after stripping his captaincy?  Well of course. Will Indian people stand by this? Yes of course.
Would they have once tried to figure out the issue or root cause? Well. I don't think so. That's for the experts and bloggers. Bcci is too big for them. Is there anyone bcci is answerable to, that it does not fall under govt? I fear not. If tomorrow, they do not have good training pitches and training infrastructure and india fails, who is to blame? Yes of course? See, the brilliant scapegoat system. How difficult is it to set up a few bouncing wickets with your billions? Why has it not been done? Who is tracking all this and how many times has an average india abused players more than the board? Not undermining bcci. They have played a huge role in getting us where we are today. But need to move over their myopic vision and understand there is a heritage they are handling, which is more than the game and must be done with utmost care.

It's an ecosystem. Not a success or failure. The answer to our woes and way ahead depends on how well the python is fed and how quickly the board realizes there is a sport to be run, not just a business.